She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
