I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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