At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
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My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
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I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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