the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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