Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
