i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
