Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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