Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
