This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
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Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
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I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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