my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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