hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
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I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
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I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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