just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
