is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
