My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
