Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
