Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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