I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
