I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm like, not good at living.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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