Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
they're like a gay fantastic four
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
