I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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