She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
