someone threw a dead crab at me
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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