I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
