you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
