Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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