he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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