I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
