Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
