I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
