i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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