i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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