wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
then he tried to convert me to islam
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize