I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
