He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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