see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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