I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
