She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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