I don't usually arrange sex via text message
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
