My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I AM VODKA MAN
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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