I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
