Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
