I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
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Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win