i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
