if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
