corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So vagazzling was a success
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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