We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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