Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
