he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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