Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
