i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
