her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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