...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
